My type-A, perfectionist personality isn’t a huge fan of failure (who is?); I might even admit that I’m afraid of it. I fail a lot and, admittedly, I have a hard time seeing the positive outcome sometimes because I don’t like to reminisce on things that hurt.
A couple years ago, I wrote a post called Raw about changing majors in college, getting a lousy first job, and then failing a huge test that I thought would mean losing the second. I was newly married and we had a stack of student loans with our names on them, so I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to contribute financially. At the end of that post, I talked about getting a call the next day for an interview and eventually accepting the job. I wrote that three days after I started.
It’s now been over three years and it’s taken me this long to put the words together of what God’s really done in the big picture of my life. I was reading Love Does by Bob Goff when it hit me, and I couldn’t help but stop, highlight, and scribble a ton of notes in my journal when I came across the following passage:
The thing I love about God is He intentionally guides people into failure. He made us be born as little kids who can’t walk or talk or even use a bathroom correctly. We have to be taught everything. All that learning takes time, and He made us so we are dependent on Him, our parents, and each other. The whole thing is designed so we try again and again until we finally get it right. And the whole time He is endlessly patient.
I love those passages in Scripture where Jesus teaches the disciples something, saying, “I want to teach you to think differently about life.” They walked with Him for years, and some of them didn’t learn everything they needed to know until after He’d gone back to heaven. Yet, even though they were slow to learn, they still referred to themselves as His beloved. Failure is just part of the process, and it’s not just ok; it’s better than okay. God doesn’t want failure to shut us down. God didn’t make it a three-strikes-you’re-out sort of thing. It’s more about how God helps us dust ourselves off so that we can swing for the fences again. And all of this without keeping a meticulous record of our screw-ups.
I couldn’t stop thinking, “why does this seem so counter-cultural and why am I so afraid of failure when I know that the Lord will see me through?”
By God allowing me to fail my test by just two points these things that happened: 1) He prevented me from pursuing a career that wouldn’t have been the best fit for me, 2) He allowed me to start a job that I absolutely loved, and then to become a leader within that role, and 3) He helped me to see why I got that ‘ole college degree in Nutrition and Exercise Physiology.
So this whole time, what I considered failure – not pursuing a more high paying field, failing my exam, etc. – was really just God closing some major doors so that He could make way for so many blessings. And I’m glad he did after looking at that (non-comprehensive) list. I’d be lying if I said my insecurity surrounding failure is gone, but God is walking me through grace in my failure by reminding me that I’m not my own savior and that I couldn’t even take a guess at the amazing things God has in store for me. I’m just grabbing at crumbs and he is offering me the whole feast.
The best part, though, is that my story isn’t over. Looking back on these blessings that came from what felt like serious frustration and heartache lead to some of things that have so thoroughly shaped my life over the last couple of years. Over the past three years, I have been confirmed by God over and over again that this is where I’m supposed to be. That this is where he has me today. I know that I will continue to fail and the only thing I can guarantee is that if my trust is in Him, my future is in good hands.